Mis-shapes, mishapes & mistakes.

Last night, after a few disagreements with my significantly aggrieved other, I reluctantly sat down to endure 'The Secret Millionaire'.

As you can probably guess, the program apparently revolves around someone with more money than integrity attempting to atone for the millions of people they have pissed all over to reach the lofty and financially affluent position now basked within.

But it’s not. Not really.

The actual format for each 'episode' is relatively similar:

- Man or woman with pots of cash. Check.

- Man or woman with pots of cash seeking freebie marketing opportunity.Check.

- Man or woman with pots of cash seeking freebie marketing opportunity for their numerous companies currently experiencing problems due to the economic climate. Check.

- Man or woman...yada yada yada.... then works undercover as a volunteer for various charities and at the end of the program coughs up a little money to invest in the work provided by the organisations. Check.

- Man or woman then severs all ties with the organisation over the next few years, reaps the marketing rewards they hoped to achieve and returns back to shafting everyone to boost their own escalating profits and work towards world domination. Before writing off the £25 gift voucher they selflessly donated for tax purposes. Checky check fucking check.

Now call me a realist but this is the worst sort of manipulation.

A few bogus crocodile tears, a few days playing poor and then they return back to their 19 winged mansion with room for a gold encrusted pony and trap toeing a dozen Faberge eggs. Doesn’t sit well. Not really.

So to re-define a natural equilibrium - I propose a slightly different slant. Instead of the secret millionaire, there will be a change to the 'secret accountant'.The new approach will see the best of the nations auditors allocated to an mp both in disguise and incognito. They will work for the mp and become close to them i.e. adopting the persona of dorris the domestic help, daniel the driver, ted the gardener or Mustafa the small arabian boy. Whichever. All that really matters is that whilst employed they scrutinise and analyse every penny the politician 'claims' to have spent.At the end of the episode the auditor, accompanied by members of the press - suddenly de-mask themselves declaring that they now know where every skeleton is stashed and that the mp can now consider themselves well and truly fucked.

At which point - all assets are impounded and their life destroyed.Later, perhaps 4-6 months down the line, the very same auditor and news team re-visit the ex-smarmy, ex-self indulgent and very ex-member of parliament and notifies the nation that they are now residing in abject poverty. And informs the right honourable twat that they still have to repay the money they claimed to have the leaky pipe under the tennis court repaired.

This country fucking disgusts me sometimes.